So it's 2015.. What have I done with my life? What have I done this year that I haven't done last year? Last year I wrong about how my life felt stagnant and standing at a halt and that I had plans of revitalizing it somehow by applying for school in the US. Well.. It's safe to say that those plans have fallen apart and amounted to nothing. My application was denied, both to the government scholarship and VCU. I still planned to go anyway if only to change my environment a little. My sister came back for what we all thought was a short stay. I figured that this might be another opportunity in disguise and that I've decided I was going to go back with her whenever she was going back.
Days stretched to weeks then to months and here I am, still here, still doing the same thing I was doing a year ago on the very same blog. I started to wonder if there was something inherently wrong with me. It's easy to pick out one's flaws than it is to pick out one's pros; if you sat there all day talking about how good you are at things, people would think you conceited or arrogant. I started to wonder if there was something psychologically wrong with me. "Maybe it's depression." is what I told myself. "Yeah! It had to be. All people go through it, right?" I joked about it a few times in front of my siblings so they ask 'why' and I say something like 'oh, it's nothing. Just nothing going on in my life.' and the usual response is 'psh, just get a job.'
I've considered it. Considered the idea of going back into a routine where I'd wake up in the morning and go to work. It's a good way to socialize and build some skills but then I remembered how miserable I was during most of my jobs, all three or four of them. There was only one job that I enjoyed but had to quit due to circumstances.
2015 is almost at an end and I could say I've accomplished a few things but nothing of what I wanted. The more I think about what I want to do, I can't keep myself from thinking about all the things that could prevent me from doing these things. Such things lead to fear which then leads to anxiety and therefore leads to this rut that I'm in. Am I still the same person I was last year when I first addressed this issue? Have I really changed all that much? I think not. I'm still self-conscious, I'm still afraid. I still feel guilty about feeling this way because deep down, there's another part of me that is criticizing all of this "You're just being lazy. Has nothing to do with anything in your head. It's just a bunch of excuses."
I do hope next year's Milestone post will have positive content. I do plan to do more, as per a friend's advice, I should just travel and do things which is what I plan to do.