You are what you love, not what loves you.

There is something about this phrase that sparked something in my mind. At first it was curiosity and intrigue but then it was confusion and questioning. What did he mean when he said that? What does it mean to be the something you love?

A few days ago, I saw this video in my feed but I chose to ignore it. I thought it was some stupid preachy video about loving yourself but then I watched it and I don't think anything spoke to me as that video did. It probably spoke to a million others who've watched it.

These days I've been feeling a lot like the cynics he was talking about. Never angry though; just very.. very sad. Sometimes I think it's because I don't pray enough and that's why I feel miserable. Other times I think that maybe I'm just lazy and I'm trying to justify my laziness. There's no way I could feel bad for any real reason! Yeah.. I'm just lazy.

There are days when I have zero motivation to do anything and instead of excitement, I'm instead filled with an emptiness that I can't explain. When I look at everyone else around me, everyone I can see, I see that people are going places and doing things and I'm stuck in my house with only dreams of the future. 

I have an irrational fear of failure. It's something I realized in myself whenever I try to practice something new. It is sometimes anxiety inducing. Like drawing. If I want to practice drawing, the mere idea of producing something 'ugly' is just.. It's enough to put me off from it for a long time simply because I am afraid to fail. This irrational fear extends to a lot of things in my life like making a real plan to launch my crafting business or selling my books or this and that; or even going to the gym.

lately I've been feeling demotivated, sad and empty. I've been feeling like a spec of sand on a beach. A part of me knows I shouldn't feel this way and from that a guilt stems and a sense of shame for having such dark thoughts. I never know what to do with them or how to manage them. Keeping myself busy tended to distract me from such thoughts but now that I'm just waiting for some materials to arrive, all I can do is sit and think. 

I'd like to imagine it as a conversation going on in my head, like a little council sitting together and discussing the events of my life. "She's not doing enough!" "But how could she..? She's so timid." "She just needs to grow some balls!" "Sometimes it's not that easy!" "Well, life isn't always easy!" "It's not like she enjoys feeling this way or being this way." "Why doesn't she do something about it, then?" "It's just hard sometimes.." "Why? Others can do it." "Where would she even start?"

And so and and so forth..